The Games are intended to be Olympic, but it’s a three-ring circus

At the Lea Valley Athletics Center, an emotional Christine McGuinness was sounding less like a 100-meter hurdles sprinter and more like Lee Harvey Oswald as she geared up for ITV’s latest celebrity challenge this week.

“The thought of the crowd, the people, the gun. . .” the grassy hill, the CIA cover-up.

Christine McGuinness was one of the celebrities on Monday night's return from the Games

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Christine McGuinness was one of the celebrities on Monday night’s return from the Games
Christine, Olivia Attwood, Chelcee Grimes and three others negotiated with all the grace and ease of electroconvulsive therapy

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Christine, Olivia Attwood, Chelcee Grimes and three others negotiated with all the grace and ease of electroconvulsive therapy

“I only have one chance,” she sobbed.

But who would she take? A fellow competitor? One of the ITV presenters?

Or better yet, the cretin who brought this thing back from the dead?

It’s The Games, which ran over four series in the mid-1990s and are remembered, if at all, for Bobby Davro’s spectacular belly-drop in the ten-meter dive event.

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The show was canceled in 2006, when even Channel 4 realized there was no more mileage to be gained by watching lesser celebrities discover that there were a lot more things they couldn’t do very well.

NOSTALGIC BRAIN REQUEST

However, as you’ve seen with The Ipcress File, the main commercial network is terribly prone to nostalgic brain farts, so it was revived with a five-night live stream and not a little fanfare on ITV, which threw almost everything on the big launch show. from monday.

In addition to the 12 celebrity contestants, there was a marching band, acrobats, and a team of presenters and experts that included Holly Willoughby, Freddie Flintoff, Tyson Fury, Kammy, a “comedian” named Yung Filly, and the obligatory Alex Scott. , who alternated between a green Kermit suit at the Crystal Palace and a bit of Ming the Merciless clobber in the Olympic pool.

The high level of staff was designed, of course, to disguise the fact that there was very little action going on here over the course of 90 minutes and they needed to flank and play for their lives.

What it can never do, though, is cover up the fact that the Games remain a shitty world.

An unfortunate situation that became even more evident during their first event, the women’s 100 meters hurdles, which Christine, Olivia Attwood, Chelcee Grimes and three others negotiated with all the grace and ease of electroconvulsive therapy.

If you thought this was as bad as it could get, you didn’t stick around for the (un)synchronized dip or the men’s hammer toss, a pre-recorded competition that recreated all of your dad’s magic by tossing two bags of mulch from garden in the green container of the local recycling center and deposit it in the “household waste”.

Since then, we’ve also seen Coronation Street’s Colson Smith fall into the canoe and ITN announcer Lucrezia Millarini recreate Jimmy Cagney’s death scene in The Roaring Twenties in the 400 meters.

Occasionally, through sheer ineptitude, the Games can also get into territory so bad it’s good, as happened when, after 12 weeks of training, Kevin Clifton and Olivia Attwood of Strictly performed a five-meter jump during the ten meters. .

None of this, however, can be described as a spectator sport, which is why the ITV team is going to great lengths to make you believe that you are witnessing the essence of Super Saturday London 2012.

“Tonight is set to be a better one.” “It is absolutely breathtaking.” “Watching this at home, you’ll be in out of place mode.”

Or maybe off-your-trolley mode, just to deal with the thrill of watching Love Island’s Wes Nelson defeat Max George in the 50 meter dive.

The evidence of your own eyes does not lie, however. Nor were the small details, like the fact that they didn’t have a timer running at the women’s barriers, where Chelcee Grimes and Phoenix Gulzar-Brown ended up so far ahead of the stragglers that they ended up in a different zip code.

Holly Willoughby also gave away the game, on the first day, when she suggested that there should be a handicap system because: “It’s unfair.”

She has a point too. Christine McGuinness could shoot Wes Nelson in both legs and he would probably still beat Colson Smith over 400 meters, spectators would probably still struggle to bid and I would still find it impossible to explain why ITV brought the Games back or respond to any more complicated question than Holly’s humdinger earlier in the week.

“Will Kevin’s experience as a dancer help him with hammer throwing?”

Just the Susan Calman series.

A team of presenters and mafia hand experts included Holly Willoughby and Freddie Flintoff.

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A team of presenters and mafia hand experts included Holly Willoughby and Freddie Flintoff.
Christine McGuinness could shoot Wes Nelson in both legs and he would still probably beat Colson Smith in the 400 meters

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Christine McGuinness could shoot Wes Nelson in both legs and he would still probably beat Colson Smith in the 400 meters

UNEXPECTED IDIOTS IN THE LUGGAGE AREA

The Pursuit, Bradley Walsh: “Which detective inspector first appeared in the novel Frost At Christmas?”

Nicky: “Poirot.”

Turning Point, Ben Shephard: “What word for a little house comes before the name of a dish made with ground beef topped with mashed potatoes?”

João: “Shepherd”.

Clive Myrie: “The national park established in west central Scotland in 2002 is called Loch Lomond and what?”

Shazia Mirza: “Lake ness monster.”

RANDOM TV IRRITATION

ANT & Dec giving their golden buzzer to Keiichi Iwasaki, who has done Spain, Italy, Germany and Bulgaria’s Got Talent.

The once brilliant SAS: Who Dares to Win transforming into Deidre’s photo book with “Sarah’s Lesbian Bridesmaid’s Dilemma”.

Jaydee Dyer’s Saturday football ramblings making Paul Merson’s reports sound like Alistair Cooke’s Letter from America.

Freeze The Fear’s baffling desperation to crush Patrice Evra’s competitive spirit. And BBC1 show host Lee Mack asking “When will it go from light entertainment to panic?”

Instead of the question on viewers’ lips, “When is this crap going to turn into light entertainment?”

WASTE BY BAFTAS AWAKENED

SUFFICIENT to say, if you really think the Big Zuu is a more fun TV actor than Michael McIntyre and Graham Norton, then it’s not a Bafta vote you need, it’s watering down the neighbors when his owner goes on vacation.

But that’s the level of lies they now have to tell themselves at BBC1’s annual Bafta ceremony, where a basic ignorance of the TV medium and snobbery (Line Of Duty never won a major award) was reinforced by the cult of awakening. .

If you really think Big Zuu is a more fun TV actor than Michael McIntyre and Graham Norton, then it's not a Bafta vote you need.

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If you really think Big Zuu is a more fun TV actor than Michael McIntyre and Graham Norton, then it’s not a Bafta vote you need.

As of Sunday night, that meant there wasn’t even a list for last year’s two best shows, Clarkson’s Farm and The White Lotus, but there were telling nominations for the likes of Steph’s Packed Lunch (C4), Alison Hammond’s performance in I Can See Your Voice and Married at First Sight UK (C4).

It wasn’t all bad, obviously. I was personally delighted that BBC1’s excellent drama Time won two awards, and I relaxed that the overrated Channel 4’s It’s A Sin had nothing.

Though it would never stop the costume box community from attacking the government’s plan to privatize Channel 4 or conjuring up fanciful imagery of a long-lost network that, according to actress Cathy Tyson, still “gives voice to the unheard of.”

As was perfectly demonstrated by a big announcement the next day.

“Katie Price has landed a second season of her Channel 4 home improvement show, Mucky Mansion.”


TELE quiz. What characteristically “high-end” production by ITVBe featured the following quote earlier this month? “There are 40 rats having 80 f**kings a day. I’m not Carol Vorderman, but that’s, like, 800 m**** in my loft.”

A) Ferne McCann: First-time mom?

B) The Diary of Anne Frank?


Instead of going through the tired old litany of giving a 200-word guess at Gordon Ramsay’s Future Food Stars, here’s a photo and caption that saves me the hassle.

Here's a photo and caption that saves me the hassle

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Here’s a photo and caption that saves me the hassle


BIG TV lies and delusions of the week. Eurovision heats up, Rylan: “This is what you need to start a semi. Albania.” (She is not)

Big Zuu’s Big Eats: “I’m London Hughes and I’m very funny.”

Open House, narration: “In a luxury retreat, people are rebelling against thousands of years of tradition, opening up their monogamous relationships in a safe house.” Or just prostituting your dignity to Channel 4 – you decide.


By the way, if London Hughes married the host of Big Eats and became London Zuu, wouldn’t she still be funny?


BEAUTIFUL OF THE WEEK

This week's winner is Colson Smith from The Games and Adam from My Gym Partner's A Monkey

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This week’s winner is Colson Smith from The Games and Adam from My Gym Partner’s A Monkey

Posted by Fab Flo.

GREAT SPORTS INFORMATION

SIR Jeff Stelling: “Bristol Rovers need seven goals. They are winning 4-0, so four more would be unthinkable.”

Glenn Murray: “An afternoon like this is so special.”

Clinton Morrison: “I bet next season will be different.”

(Compiled by Graham Wray)

TV GOLD

BBC2 Command: Great Britain’s Ocean Warriors. The ITV 1% Club.

Moldovan’s frantic accordions steal the show in Tuesday’s Eurovision semi-final on BBC3.

A second series of the year's best show, Winning Time: The Rise Of The Lakers Dynasty, is set to arrive around the same time the first is skipped at the 2023 Baftas.

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A second series of the year’s best show, Winning Time: The Rise Of The Lakers Dynasty, is set to arrive around the same time the first is skipped at the 2023 Baftas.

And the best show of the year, Winning Time: The Rise Of The Lakers Dynasty, concluding with the news that a second season is set to arrive around the same time the first is skipped at the 2023 Baftas.

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Or as John C Reilly’s character Dr Buss said: “Swan songs? That’s not mine.

“Watch me row, motherfuckers.”

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