‘It’s the goodbye election: Boris Johnson digs in as Conservatives choose how to lose’ – Fleet Street Fox

If there’s anyone in Britain still able, after emptying their bank accounts at the supermarket and gas station, to find a few spare pounds, the best thing they can do with it is buy stock in the company that makes WD-40. .

Because as toilet paper rolls were to the pandemic, just as effective lubricants will be for the year ahead: a new currency, traded on the black market and sought after by increasingly desperate victims of IBS.

Boris’ irritable syndrome is about to afflict every conservative in the country, and the only cure for his anguish is to get the prime minister off Downing Street as quickly as possible. Unfortunately, he doesn’t want to go.

‘Are we still talking about poop, or just sh*t?’


POOL/AFP via Getty Images)

Maggie didn’t want to go, but she went because her group asked. Blair didn’t want to go, but she had some better shows scheduled. Cameron was whistling on his way out the door, knowing it would all be someone else’s problem now, and Theresa, God bless her, really tried her best before admitting that her best wasn’t enough.

Boris Alexander of Pfeffel Johnson does not love his party any more than a king loves his courtiers. It lacks Blair’s realism, Cameron’s polite nonchalance, and Theresa’s principles, however shaky they may have been.

And each of them had successors hot on their heels, popular and intelligent beasts to be feared. Boris has Jeremy Hunt, who is as terrifying as being chased by a duck quacking in its own tail.

The conservative rebels who plot against him are as thick as grandma’s cream, because they took a vote of no confidence a fortnight before the two elections that everyone knew they would lose. That strategic brilliance lodged Boris firmly in his rectum for another year. The odds of them having the wits to get elected to the 1922 committee, change their rules, and get Boris out before then are about the same as Dominic Raab winning Mastermind.

To be fair, he’s crushing the Pointless though.



If they could find a big enough chisel and stock up on enough WD-40 to get Boris out in a year, there would still be massive inflation and a cost-of-living crisis, gross inequality, continual strikes on railroads, hospitals and schools. And just a year for Hunt to stare at him mindlessly, like a rabbit fascinated by the lights of an oncoming steamroller, before a general election that the Conservatives will lose.

The same would be true even if they took Boris out tomorrow. The same will happen even if Boris stays in office, ends strikes, makes Brexit work and decides he likes immigrants. There’s no ignoring the last 12 years of Conservative rights, austerity, cuts, wage freezes, declining standards of living and public life – especially when the last few involved 3 million bereaved Brits being furious to find that while they couldn’t hold the hand of a loved one to say goodbye, those in charge were partying so hard in Downing Street that they were ending up face down in the flower beds.

It is inevitable, because of the 10 midterm elections held since Johnson became prime minister, he has won one, lost four and held two. And he kept them only because the Conservative lawmakers in both cases tragically died. The other major parties did not even contest the David Amess constituency. Last night, Boris lost two seats deep in Brexity, proving that the electorate has decided his one achievement isn’t worth holding on to.

The Labor Party managed to turn around even in constituencies it already held. The Lib Dems, despite Ed Davey’s best efforts, are running a conga line across the south. Disraeli himself was unable to reverse this Titanic Tory disaster.

‘My farts will continue!’


Getty Images)

Perhaps the entire Cabinet ‘dowden’ and resign. Maybe Gove sharpens his stabbing tools and Dorries retreats to howl from the backseats. Boris still didn’t give up. If his entire group delivered a pearl-handled revolver to his office and asked him to do the right thing with it, they would find him two minutes later at the window shooting the Prince of Wales.

There are, however, many adults and intelligent minds in the Conservative Party. And what they’re evaluating today is not how to win the next election, because they know it was lost the moment someone suggested a BYOB party in lockdown. What they’re deciding is how, and how intensely, they want to lose.

Do they want Boris in charge, lose big, spend a decade in the political desert, but have the chance to rebuild from scratch? Do they want him out, lose less, maybe come back to power sooner, but without cleaning the stables properly? Safe seats with 20,000 majorities are no longer safe. The Red Wall appears to have been merely covered in paper, rather than torn apart, and the working class is pulling it down.

Big ones who love their party are thinking about how to save it for the long term, while newly elected lawmakers on Boris’s tail are wondering if they’ll have time to get a non-executive board before it’s all gone.

‘Not my problem, losers!’



Boris’ best hope now is those in his party who want to exploit him for a cause – to use a weakened prime minister to agree to laws, amendments, concessions, contracts and jobs that are close to their hearts, voters or pockets. Some will be despicable, some will be solid, and the prime minister will bribe them with as much enthusiasm as only someone who spends other people’s money can.

Maybe that will buy you some time. Perhaps some are vying for the position of best friend, and the highly likely resignation of nobility that may come in the not-too-distant future.

It is more important, perhaps, for them and for us to find out what the PM is evaluating and working out. It is not appeasement or buying your party, not placating your cabinet or finding a new ethics adviser or party chairman. He doesn’t give a damn about Michael Howard, the boss who once fired him for lying, going on television to say he has to go again.

Boris is wondering how much he can sell his book for and whether he can claim to have won the war in Ukraine before leaving.

It’s legacy that matters right now to this PM, and he’s looking abroad to deliver it. Domestic politics are at the mill, along with the economy, the union and Brexit. There’s no clear path for him to take at home to fix any of this, while the world stage still offers him a space to look like Churchillian. Boris can defeat the Russian bear, he will tell himself, and I also need a few more chapters for my memories.

He will judge his success not by the number of lives he has saved, but by the fact that his memoir is longer and juicier than David Cameron’s, which spanned very little over 752 pages, and whether his advance exceeds the £800,000 awarded to his predecessor. Maybe that’s why he isn’t rushing home and instead seeks refuge in Rwanda.

In short, Boris will do his best. Not for the victory or the party, but for himself. That’s why the Conservatives, if they want to be anything more than a bloody piece of meat left on the polling station floor, they’re going to need to find some intelligence, some non-duck candidates, and industrial amounts of WD-40 if they want to get it out. before he takes them all down.

A share of the company WD-40 today will cost £166, but its value has jumped 6% overnight, so someone has seen how the wind is blowing. Everyone else from PM down will capitalize on this as long as they can – why shouldn’t you?

‘Can I get them to sponsor me?’



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