Five reasons why the first round of the 2022 Stanley Cup playoffs is making us want to kick the flat-screen television set

There’s a reason they call it the most wonderful time of year not called Christmas. The first round of the Stanley Cup playoffs has 16 teams playing in eight series, which means up to four games a night. All you need is a pack of 12 PBRs and a pair of Depends, and there’s no reason to get off the couch.

That said, Round 1 this year also had a lot of story threads to be upset about. Plus it’s just that the Washington Capitals seem to be shitting in bed once again.

Here are five of them. Go Caps!!

It’s a song the NHL has been singing since it promised to finally do something about grabbing, grabbing, and holding that made Mario Lemieux wonder why he even bothered playing hockey. You know, the one where they send a pre-playoff message to players, coaches, fans and hospital patients and inmates who can’t make it to the game. The promise goes something like this: Instead of swallowing their whistles as teams battle each other in the playoffs, the referees will call games as they do in the regular season.

And every year that doesn’t happen. Which, as maddening as it can be to watch players hacking, slashing, slashing and punching each other with impunity, is great hockey.

At best, the playoffs are all about Sean Connery’s timeless quote in The Untouchables: “They pull a knife, you pull a gun. He sends one of his own to the hospital, you send one of his to the morgue. And nothing raises the temperature of a game to the boiling point like seeing obvious penalties completely ignored in the interests of game management. Hello, Original Battle of Alberta.

Video of the Battle of Alberta Oilers at the Flames 1986 Playoffs (VHS)

On a Atletico Last week, Pierre LeBrun noted that 99 penalties were scored in the first 17 games of the 2021 playoffs and 133 in the first 16 this year. The message then was clear: unlike in previous years, you will be punished for playing playoff hockey the way playoff hockey has always been played.

There are no more Battle of Alberta rules. Enough of watching Eric Cairns beat up Shayne Corson. No more watching Nazem Kadri do something stupid because that’s what he always does. And there’s no point in getting the score right when a team gets a three-goal lead with 10 minutes left in the third.

Video of Eric Cairns TKO of Shayne Corson & Darcy Tucker vs Shawn Bates & in NY Islanders Fans

For the first time since, well, ever, the first round of the playoffs looks remarkably civilized, with scrums almost non-existent, in-game play virtually absent, and suspensions (actual or deserved) almost completely absent from the conversation. Which is to say, the first round looks like the Montreal Canadiens against the Russian Red Army on New Year’s Eve in 1979. As your grandparents will tell you, that game was one of the most famous and beautiful displays of hockey ever seen. But it wasn’t a war. And when it comes to the playoffs – especially the first round – it’s the wars we all remember.

Evander Kane

There is an old saying that everyone deserves a second chance. Or in the case of Evander Kane, nine lives of second chances. Ask yourself: who is famous for compiling a criminal record that includes allegations of infidelity and gambling? Who fakes a COVID-19 test while playing in one of the most important professional sports leagues in the world. Who has a history of pissing off their teammates, to the point where Dustin Byfuglien threw Evander Kane’s clothes in the shower after he showed up at the track in a tracksuit instead of a suit?

Hockey is a sport that values ​​humility and respect for the game. After being given the door by the San Jose Sharks for their COVID-19 hijinks, the stakes were high that Kane had ended up in the NHL. Next stop in Europe, and don’t forget to say hello to Jake Virtanen.

Instead, he is now tied for fifth in the first round with Sidney Crosby, and proving to be an invaluable piece of an Edmonton Oilers team famous for shining in previous years.

Somehow even more offensively, he’s been all about swagger and ostentation this round 1, as evidenced yesterday by his seven fingers winking at Los Angeles fans after the Oilers forced a Game 7.

Seriously, you’ve been given another chance. Again. Do you have to remind us that you don’t deserve it? And where is Dustin Byfuglien when you need him?

Toronto Maple Leafs

If the first round of this year’s 2022 playoffs weren’t bad, the Toronto Maple Leafs would already be holding their exit interviews after being eliminated four in a row. One of the NHL’s most cursed and detestable franchises hasn’t won a first-round series since 2004, and all of Canada is waiting breathlessly for history to repeat itself this year.

Nothing unites this country like seeing the Maple Laffs and their idiot fans get knocked out in the first round. Honestly, it could easily be a national holiday.

Remember Game Seven in 2013, when Toronto led the Boston Bruins 4-1 with 10 minutes left in the game? And when Boston bounced back with three goals – two in 31 seconds when the clock ended – before delivering the knockout knockout punch at 6:05 of overtime. That, hockey fans, is a golden memory of hockey up there with Paul Henderson beating the Russians in ’72.

Boston Toronto Game 7 Highlights HD 5-4 Bruins Win-Leafs Collapse video

As for this year, Toronto is ostensibly still in the driver’s seat of ice at home in their series against the Tampa Bay Lightning, which is tied at 3-3 and has returned to the Scotiabank Arena at the center of the universe. You could argue that there is no such thing as a hockey god — if there was, the NHL wouldn’t have completely screwed Vancouver Canucks fans in 2011 with a suspension that helped change the Finals series against Boston.

But don’t let that stop you from praying. Because really, can you conceive of anything sweeter than Toronto beating Tampa Bay 4-1 with 10 minutes left in the third, only to shit the bed with one minute left and then lose at 6:05 of overtime? Of course you can’t. Get ready to celebrate Canada.

Toronto Maple Leafs (again)/Calgary Flames/Edmonton Oilers

It’s bad enough that all three of these teams made the playoffs this year, and worse that they’re all still playing instead of wondering what went wrong. Again. Which they, if past years are any indication, will do this time next week.

Somewhere along the line, someone had the idiotic idea that since you live in Canada, you are expected to vote for Canadian teams in the playoffs.

You know who in Canada wanted Vancouver to win the Stanley Cup in 2011? That would be the people of Vancouver. Everyone else in the country was busy letting their fellow Twitter users know how much they hated Ryan Kesler and Alex Burrows. Who, by this point, had long since perfected the art of trash talk in the playoffs.

Video of Canucks Trash Talk the Blues in Game 1 of the 08/09 Playoff Series in HD

If you want to root for the Canadians in the first round, you’re better off investing in a St. Louis Blues.

The Blues had 17 Great White North-born players on their roster at the start of the season. The Flames were 10 and the Edmonton Oilers were 15. As for the Leafs – really, who gives a shit about Toronto besides the people of Toronto, that is, every second living in Vancouver.

We see you guys doing shit in the stands every time the Maple Leafs play Vancouver at Rogers Arena. On that note, for some reason, we should be fine with 4:30 Pacific puck-drops to make those still stuck in Toronto happy. So fuck the Maple Leafs, not to mention Dallas and Los Angeles. And go to St. Louis, the true Canadian capital of the NHL.

Brad Marchand

Why can’t someone kill him? Not literally kill him — no one wants that on their conscience, and Brad Marchand probably has someone who loves him at home. Or at least tolerate it. But most kill him just as the Charlestown Chiefs coach yells “Kill them!! Kill the bastard!!!” the first time the Hanson brothers go on the ice in Blow of Blow.

Video of The Hansons Play Dirty – Slap Shot (6/10) Movie CLIP (1977) HD

As much as it pains me to write this, I have actually come, on some level, to respect the most maddening agitator in the NHL. Not enough to make peace with his speedbagging Daniel Sedin in the 2011 Cup Finals while Clueless Kelly Sutherland watched. Or Sami Salo in a rematch in Boston the following January. Or the face-licking, scrum-jabbing and general flaming dinkdom.

Video of Brad Marchand checking Sami Salo’s hip with SlowMo 7/1/12

On the other hand, number 63 off the ice is a guy who plays street hockey regularly with the kids of Jimmy Hayes, a former teammate who died of a drug overdose last year. Who thinks of Christmas gifts for teammates. And who, earlier this year, not only sent an autographed shirt to a Cape Breton First Nations teenager who had been subjected to racial slurs during a game, but translated a message for the young player into Mi’kmaw.

If we can extrapolate anything from such actions, it’s that Marchand isn’t just playing a character on ice, but that character wears a black hat. Either you get the joke, or you don’t.

As for how Marchand has been doing his part to ensure the first round of the 2022 Stanley Cup playoffs explodes, entering the series against the Carolina Hurricanes, he has had one goal in 13 games, the only one being an empty goal. As of this morning, he was second only to Connor McDavid to score, including a five-point outing in Game 4. In yesterday’s game, where Boston faced elimination, he opened the scoring, got the primary assist on the second goal. and then ended the night with a four-minute jab penalty.

Yes, that’s right, jab, which is the dumbest thing you can do in a game this side of low bridge, swivel foot, or lick someone’s face. Why can’t someone kill him? Which means not literally killing him, but doing something like this…

Video of Brad Marchand Receives Cross Check From Pavel Buchnevich’s Helmet

….while the trainer yells “Kill them. Kill the bastard” from the bank. Or rather this…..

PK Subban video absolutely hammers Brad Marchand

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