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Dear Amy: I am 35; my “fiancé” is 40.
We’ve been engaged for 11 years.
My question is NOT about why we don’t get married.
I’m wondering why your father didn’t make any attempt to make me feel welcome, even after so many years together.
Almost every weekend, your father comes and picks up my fiancé. They then head back to their father’s house to spend most of the day.
Even the simplest greetings are met with blank stares. He completely ignores my presence!
Amy, I can’t even get a hello from the man.
My partner always says, “Just give him time.” Then he changes the subject.
My family has gone out of their way to make my partner feel welcome because they know I love him and he is a part of my life.
I just don’t understand why he didn’t do anything to remedy the situation. Or why I couldn’t come up with a valid reason for his father’s choice to completely alienate me, even though he had welcomed his brother’s psychopathic girlfriend into their lives with open arms.
Am I wrong for wanting to be accepted by his family?
And if not, at least have a reason not to be accepted?
– abandoned woman
Dear Left: You’re not wrong to want acceptance from your partner’s family – or anyone else.
However – you and your “fiancé” (to use your quotes) are extremely passive in your response to this.
Your 11-year engagement could be a clue that the two of you are extremely similar when it comes to your passivity (and patience).
However, being similar doesn’t mean you’re compatible.
“Give him time” is an elastic concept for your man. The glaciers melted faster than he appears to be moving.
This issue should raise bigger questions for you: If this man has been rude to you for over a decade, why didn’t you call him? And why not his guy?
Also – would you spend part of every weekend hanging out with someone who was mean to the person you loved – even if your partner was your father?
As passive and patient as you’ve been, this may be the time for you to check your sundial and say, “Time’s up.”
Dear Amy: My older brother is getting married this summer, his second marriage. He practices a very conservative Christian belief and told me that because I am gay, I am a sinner and will go to hell in the afterlife.
Your children have told me that they pray for my salvation.
Throughout my youth, he abused and tortured me physically, emotionally and sexually.
We are both in our 60s now and for most of our lives we have had very little contact.
I don’t want to go to his wedding though, my mom is pushing me so hard to go.
The thought of going to the wedding makes me anxious and angry.
I don’t want to see him or his family, but I feel guilty for not supporting my mother. What should I do?
– brother confused
dear confused: Don’t give in to your mother’s pressure. Understand with compassion that she may be waiting to heal the separation between you and your brother, but unless she has also urged your brother to atone for his behavior and ask for forgiveness, any contact must be made by you.
Keep calm and offer to help your mother by asking a friend or family member to accompany her.
Dear Amy: I was a little flustered by your advice to “Accused of Desertion” who decided to fly home alone after his partner tested positive for COVID.
What I think has been totally overlooked is the fact that a close contact of someone who is COVID positive – even if he himself has tested negative – can still be infected and put others at risk when boarding a flight.
I know public health guidance has been confusing and inconsistent, but current CDC guidance is to defer travel for at least five days after last contact with the infected person and test at that time.
I implore anyone who is unable or unwilling to self-isolate or self-quarantine at their destination to rethink air travel for the time being.
– An exhausted doctor
Dear Exhausted: Thanks for the clarification and advice. And thanks for the hard work trying to keep people healthy and safe.